Identity Shifts and Seeking Knowledge

And I had a huge identity shift where, at one point, I mean, when I was a powerlifting, I was 124 kilos. Almost every time I walked into somebody, I was almost always the biggest guy there. And that kind of became my gorilla suit. It became my suit of armor. So, like, when I was bullied as a kid, like, I thought if I get really fucking big, nobody's going to bother me. And then I realized the bigger you are, if you walk into a bar, the smallest drunk guy in there is the one that's going to fuck with you the most. And I was like, okay, nobody's intimidated by this, you know. So then in my mid-30s, I went, you know what, this is dumb. Like, what am I doing? And then I decided I don't need to be the biggest guy in the fucking room. I need to be the most well-balanced. and I'd rather be the smartest dude in the room, and sometimes I am, and most of the time I'm not because I go into some fucking rooms where I'm dealing with some guys that would melt my brain with information. Some of the conferences I go to, and I tell my students all the time, you know when I start getting real, like I start rain manning, and I start going deep into biochemistry, and that look you give me, just keep in mind, there are a lot of times I'm in a room, and I got that same look on my face, and I'm like, I have no fucking idea what this guy's talking about, but I want to know. So that's my addiction now is knowledge and acquiring information and knowledge. But that's just another addiction just like anything else. I've just traded one thing for another.